Parenting is hard. Who really signs up for the heavy
responsibility of managing this human being into adulthood? It comes as a shock
to most, I know. Hey, “Parenting” was never on the school curriculum and you
cannot rely on the parenting style of your parents (unless they were really,
really good).
First things first: your child will only change in response
to you and your negotiation style and not because you “tell” them. You have
probably already found this out: you cannot “tell” your kids anything! You have
to teach. You have to let them know what is you’re objective, show them how to
act and define what is not acceptable. So the first thing you probably need to
do is: Prepare for Change yourself. Besides being a good Buddhist philosophy it
should be self-evident. If it isn’t, please refer to the relevant dharma that
suits your view on Life, the Universe and Everything.
Remember the Red Beggar saying “Keep your coins, I WANT
CHANGE!” (Credit to Banksy; it is a good slogan).
You may be seeing “Red”. You may be looking for
“Assistance”; maybe, begging for it. Imagine a Buddhist beggar. (In
Buddhism begging is an honourable tradition and it should remind you that you
can only change yourself).
So remember the “Red Beggar”.
Why should you remember “Red Beggar”? Obviously because it
is a cunning trick to remember the simple process at the heart of this booklet:
R. E. D + B - G.- R.
So this is what R. E. D + B - G.- R. stands for:
Reason
Empathy
Distraction
Bribe
Guilt
Refer
These are different type of negotiation style that you can
use as a stepped process (with a few notable exceptions which will be discussed
later).
They are both positive and negative:
The Ying and Yang, the Dove and Hawk, Good-Cop and Bad-Cop of negotiation
styles. You’ll probably have to use them all but you can guess which are the
preferred styles.
Here is a quick overview to explain the purpose of the
strategy. Each Negotiation Style has its own picture and more detailed
explanation. But quickly, here are the six styles:
“R = Reason” is the preferred negotiation style. “If you
don’t leave now you’ll be late for school” – that’s a perfectly acceptable
premise for any parent for a child that knows what school is and the
consequences of being late.
“E = Empathy”. Empathy requires
understanding and developing that understanding takes time. However giving
empathy and understanding about your little monster’s perfectly rational, if
uncooperative, response is often essential for you to make any further
progress. Why doesn’t he/she want to go to school? Are they sick? Or being
bullied?
“D = Distraction”. Distraction negotiation can be as simple
as Either-We-Do-This-or-We-Do-That or it can get more complicated… in which
case you need skills...
We are now out of the happy zone and into the more
complicated space of negotiation; moving from Human-to-Human negotiation to
Parent-Child negotiation which is less effective in developing your child’s
confidence and independence.
“B = Bribe”. Bribery is quick and often successful. But you
are making a DEAL, signing a contract in virtual blood. Bribery works but you
have to worry about the invisible small print in the vaporous parchment you’ve
created.
“G = Guilt”. Yes, once your child is old enough you can use
this dangerous negotiation method. What does this negotiation style mean? It
means outlining the negative consequences of their actions. This method works,
as dark methods often do. Use with care.
“R = Refer”. This method is negotiation with the threat of
punishment. Frequently cited as
the “Just wait until your father gets home!” method. This method style has huge
potential for short-, mid- and long term failure so while is often used in just
about every supermarket in the land its use should be reduced to virtually
zero. Especially when you are the one being judged.
More details in the book available here
